he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
