Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
