I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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