Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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