I wish I could teleport
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
