two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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