go do what you do best...puke behind churches
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
