Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
