Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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