I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
