Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
