My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
