Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
