I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
