I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
