My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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