you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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