I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
