Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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