he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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