I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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