I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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