I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
