My vagina just recognized that song.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
