Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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