I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
