Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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