we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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