I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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