I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dicks are not precious.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
