Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
