the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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