i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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