Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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