dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
