whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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