I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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