I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
