hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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