Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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