Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
