Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
