Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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