just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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