I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
