How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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