Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
