the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
