Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
