my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
