I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
