just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
